I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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