I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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