you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
