the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.