wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas