Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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