At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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