Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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