Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
