I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
