how can u be prego again
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
