He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize