Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
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Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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