kristin has been a bad kristin
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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