I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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