My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
