My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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