I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
