By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
