Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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