Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
