I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
