When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?