You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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