my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
