Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
