a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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