I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
