she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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