I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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