I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
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