on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
