doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize