just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
