how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
