I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
