your room smells of hookers.
And success
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
