Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
