I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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