I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
