I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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