a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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