maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you will always have a special place in my vag
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
