I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
