I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
