Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
