You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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