My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I AM VODKA MAN
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
