apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
