Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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