...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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