We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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