Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We left the knife in your bed.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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