I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
