dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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