just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.