My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
