walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
