Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My feet surprised me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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