Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
