look no pants
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
