I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
